I’m sitting on the top deck of a cruise ship somewhere in the middle of the Caribbean. There is nothing to indicate where I am or what direction I am heading. I can’t help but feel insignificant as I look out at the vastness of the ocean and have the realization of just how small I really am in comparison. I have been feeling that a lot during this recent season of life. It’s easy to feel devoid of purpose and significance when so much in life is changing. We are creatures of habit and when we begin to face uncertainty, it often seems like our world is crumbling around us.
You see, we just finished our last show with Matt which was also our first show with Dustin, and while it is a relief to feel like we have taken another step towards the future with whatever that holds for us, much is still up in the air at the moment. If I am being honest, I have had a particularly hard time trying to wrap my head around what the future holds for me right now. Being a new father, having another job that demands so much of my attention, and battling my own personal insecurities have become even more difficult in this season of transition.
To put a little of this into perspective: I joined the band several years ago, which was quite literally a dream come true for me. Since high school I had felt like I was being called to play music and specifically tour with a Christian band. I was fully aware of how unrealistic this seemed and had no idea what that might look like or how it would come to be. Still, I just knew that there was something in my heart that was drawing me in this direction. But high school turned into college and before I knew it, I was married and had started a steady career working a 9 to 5 job as a chemist. Please understand that this is in no way a complaint. I have become immensely grateful for this job with all that it has provided for me and allowed me to do. However, this was not always the case.
For a long time I felt unfulfilled, which led to me becoming bitter and resentful of my career and also towards God. “Why do I have these desires in my heart if I will never be able to realize them?” I asked. “Am I just destined to a life of mediocrity and plain-ness?” My frustration had clouded my ability to see the things that were really important and instead my focus rested on my inability to obtain something that could have never been enough to fulfill me anyways. This is what happens when we begin seeking the things we desire instead of seeking the one who has planted the desires in our heart.
I love movies and one of my favorite lines is from John Candy in Cool Runnings. After it is revealed that he cheated in the olympics and was stripped of his medals, he shares this incredibly profound lesson with his team: “A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if you’re not enough without one, you’ll never be enough with one.” In essence, this is the very trap I had fallen into. I felt like I would never be enough unless I was able to travel and play music in a band. I sought the thing I believed God wanted me to do instead of seeking God, and wrestled with the disappointment for years.
Still, I remained active in church and music as much as possible, and even began leading mission trips to Moldova. These trips flipped my world upside down. I saw people living in conditions that I could have never imagined. Sure I “knew” that these conditions existed, but you can never truly understand or appreciate someone else’s plight until you go beyond what you are familiar with and immerse yourself in their world. Despite everything that appeared to be stacked against them, these people seemed to have more joy that I ever had. How could these people, who have so little, live in such peace while I, who have so much in comparison, feel so restless and unfulfilled? This question burned in my mind and led me to reexamine the things I valued in my life. I wanted the peace and feeling of content I saw in the lives of so many of these people. Through this process, I began to focus on the things that I was already so fortunate to have in my life; a beautiful and supportive wife, and amazing family, a stable job that provided much more than I needed, a comfortable house to live in…once I began to adjust my mindset, the list seemed to go on and on. For the first time in my adult life, the gratitude for what I had outweighed the longing for things I didn’t have, and the feeling was liberating. I was OK with my job and even began to become excited for possible opportunities to grow within my field and company. I started taking business classes for an MBA. The desire and passion to play music was still there, but it no longer defined me. Instead, I became defined by God’s love and mercy in my life. I trusted that whatever He had planned for me was so much better than anything I could ever imagine or try to accomplish by my own efforts. All I had to do was follow wherever He was leading me.
I fully believe that this was a lesson I needed to learn before God would take me to the next place He had planned for my life. I had to learn how to be enough without the gold medal. Funny enough, about six months after surrendering my plans, I got a phone call from Jake saying that the keyboard/guitar player for Sanctus Real was leaving and that there was an opportunity for me to fill the spot. As they say (and to be honest, I’ve never been sure who “they” are) "the rest is history.”
Now I realize that my story may seem like an extreme example, but I also believe that these principles I have learned along the way apply to so many people and situations. Even though I am experiencing things I have always dreamed of, I still struggle almost daily to lay down my plans and trust Him with the future. This proves to me that happiness, joy, and contentment cannot come from material things, accomplishments, experiences, or achieving a certain “status,” but only from following the unique plan God has for our lives, no matter what that may look like; by giving control to the one who has always been in control anyways. So even if everything I now have were to be taken away and I was never again able to live this life I had dreamed of for so long, I will still choose follow God. I will trust Him to fulfill and sustain me wherever He leads, and will be thankful for all of the amazing things I have been so privileged to experience already.
Back on the deck of the cruise ship I realize how, even though I am presently on this massive vessel with no sense of where I am or which direction I am going, I’m not afraid at all because there is someone in control who knows all of these things. Just as I trust the captain guide the ship and make sure I am safe, so too will I trust God to guide me through life and protect me along the way.
-Seth